[in which Broad uses an overly long story about an obscure golfer to make a point. -Ed.]
So. This is Ben Clifford Curtis. In 2003, Ben Clifford Curtis won the Royal Golf Open. He was ranked 396th in the world, a 300-1 bet, playing up against Tiger Woods, Nick Faldo, Ernie Els, Greg Norman and other famous people whose names don’t actually mean anything to me. ANYWAY. He was the wildcard bet. He jumped to a rating of 35th in the world, and went home with MILLIONS & MILLIONS of pounds and a new hat and all sorts of stuff.
Why am I telling you this? BECAUSE IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU. Only without the golf, and the hat, and the millions of pounds. Probably. Ladies & gents, poets & spraffers, the Big Sexy Inaugural The Bongo Club with Rally & Broad present… The Bongo Poetry Slam! is one week away, and we will be holding open TWO WILDCARD PLACES on the night. Names in the hat, drawn before the first round.
Come down. Be a hero. Be like Ben. Yeah.
P.S – Presented as evidence below: Rally pulling the names for the 14 poets entered in the Slam!
[...in which Broad tries to make an overly long name for a Slam catch on. You can do nothing with her. - Ed]
Dear Poets, Dear Audiences, Dear Lovers of Poetry & Big Bloody Wordfights,
It’s a new slam for Edinburgh! As part of the ‘Bongo Lives’ reopening Festival, Rally & Broad are hosting a big shiny sexy bing bang bong Slam on Friday 3rd May. Celebrity Judges – Hannah McGill! Alan Bissett! Kirsty Logan! [well...we tried. -Ed.]. Inflight entertainment from Hailey Beavis! Endless spraffing from Rally & Broad! And most importantly…PO-ET-REE!
Do come and see the feathers fly. Bongo Club, Cowgate, 7pm, Friday 3rd May. £5 on the door.
So, Friday was just lovely, wasn’t it? Shufted from our regular venue at The Counting House [for a concert for sick kids - Ed.], the newly opened Bongo Club rose to the occasion and saved our hides. And it made for a wonderful, spine tingling evening of spraff, gob and feist [...are those even words? -Ed.], with a surprisingly political bent as We Called Upon The Authors to Explain. Photos/evidence forthcoming…
IN THE MEANTIME!
We loved working with The Bongo so much that we’re coming back to host their inaugural Big Sexy Poetry Slam as part of their (re)opening celebrations on 3rd May. There will be PRIZES! There will be CELEBRITY JUDGES…*Hannah McGill!*…*Alan Bissett*…*Kirsty Logan*! There will be MUSIC…*the delectable Hailey Beavis*! There will be a wild and wonderful AUDIENCE [...that's you lot...]! And most of all there will be POETRY!!!
Come + see the following wonderful poets battle it out to be the Bongo Club Slam Champion…scream for your favourite, your lung power counts y’know…
LARA S WILLIAMS
So. Friday 3rd May. 7 – 10pm. The Bongo Club. Mine’s a gin & soda, she’ll have a Tennants. See you there,
In which Rally & Broad promised to write two new poems for lovely audience members of Forward, March!, on the themes of their choosing.
[We did not, however, promise they'd be any good - Ed.]
Elric was always a curious boy, whose mind was swift and cunning,
He once sold fags round the bike sheds at school, selling drags for pocket money.
When he turned 18, his most dear-held dream, was to use the occult to make life sunnier,
He put his mind to use (and googled a spell) and he summoned the Killer Bunnies.
Six foot tall and raised on tripe, with eyes like ten-days-on Bucky,
Fluffy as slippers and scary as hell, to cross one is quite unlucky,
They rob you of soul, they rip out your heart, they fill you with gas and sad babbling,
They jump you when you least expect, like on your way home from an Edinburgh cabaret.
Rally & Broad, two innocent lassies, were swinging their way back to home,
When from out of the blue, two pink eyes fixed on them and chilled them to their bones,
Then, quick as a flash, the Killer Bunnies flashed rage, and left them bereft in the gloam,
Lacking mind and focus is a terrible thing, and that is their sad excuse for this poem…
Life, The Universe and Everything’
Life, The Universe and Everything walk into a bar.
Everything flirts cocktails from the barman, pouts pretty and begs for a Pina Colada.
The Universe sits heavy, eventually nods to the Scotch.
But Life’s been wishing, waiting on a star
and so orders a Margarita, longing for the salt, the sour,
lips rough crystals from the rim, hides tears, tongues lime.
They sit in silence for a time
before Everything breaks brittle, all at once.
‘What’s the matter, Life? You asked us to meet you here.
We heard you wishing, waiting on that star.’
Life sniffs. Turns with brimming eyes, glares
at The Universe, at Everything.
‘I want answers. I want a reason. I’m old enough, I guess
I want to know why you brought me here, it’s time to address
The Big Question.’
The Universe rises. Downs the Scotch and
walks from the bar with gravitas.
‘Perhaps it’s Time. But you’ll get no answers from The Universe.
It’s a little preoccupied these days
and has some questions of its own.
You need to know, Life, we love you.
You were our proudest
Oh, we were wild back then, so young and hot,
it was all mercury and tequila shots, and we thought
It was Mr Universe in those days.
But answers? No.
We didn’t know
What you’d do with all that heat.
The way it goes.
It’s all up to Time now.
But keep the faith, my love. Keep wishing on that star.’
Scooping up coat and purse, Everything goes.
Life pays the bill
to tip the barman.
We were feeling strident at the March R&B [who are you kidding? You pair are always strident/feisty/gobby etc. Ed], not to mention ambitious. And cross. The weather is having a nervous breakdown. The government are unmentionables. International Women’s Day has gone a bit fluffy, and millionaires are telling people they can’t have bedrooms. It’s all going to pot, my darlings. So, we’re toying with ‘Rally & Broad: Political Party’. And because we love you all so very much, we’re asking for help in the forming of it. Specifically, in the drawing up of our HUmanifesto [thank you, Minion Charlie for the 'HU'. Credit where credit is...due. Ed]. Our delightful audience did not disappoint, even if some points where more…random…than others. Here’s what we got.
The Rally & Broad HUmanifesto [Draft. Ed]
1: A parliament of owls!
2: A free round of applause when you’re on the walk of pride home.
3: *This* 4 Prime Minister (picture of a unicorn/chicken/dragon hybrid with human fists)
4: Wind turbines are pretty and we want them in our backyards (no NIMBYS!!)
5: Save the apostrophe! (Like the whale)
6: Tea should be available at all events (inc. this one!) [Terribly sorry .Tea and other hot beverages are always available in the Blind Poet down the stairs... - Ed.]
7: An amazing cabaret!
8: Soup is vomit and shall be outlawed!
9: Get rid of the bedroom tax (and admit you just didn’t think it through. Twats.)
10: Ship all the super-rich to Dubai. AND KEEP THEM THERE.
11: a SKELETON for every man, woman and child…
12: NO stealing of other flatmates’ food whilst drunk. [Did we spy the Broad's ex-flatmate in the audience, by any chance? Ed.]
13: Entitlement for all: Regular time with friends or family. Preferably drunken, or decadent, with free booze or drug or chocolate allocation.
14: Implement a system of land-value taxtion a la ‘The Land’ protest song.
15: Beat the bedroom tax!
16: People who save other peoples’ lives should be paid more than bankers.
17: TV licence folks not allowed to harass people who don’t have a TV!!
18: Ban McDonalds. Yuck!
19: 3 day work week for all.
20: Free biscuits always.
21: Teach 5 year olds moral philosophy.
22: National Curriculum to include mandatory whimsy lessons
24: Free swimming and stuff one month a year, no, all year.
25: Replace bonfire night with shove a banger up a Tory night. [Ouch. But we applaud you, madam/sir - Ed.]
26: Every street should have a poet laureate.
27: We don’t go to work, we generally strike – this is better than even God intended.
28: Politics/ Poetics.
29: The welfare system is FLAGSHIP and something to be proud of!
We’re going to draw these up into something coherent by the next R&B…We Call Upon The Author To Explain….Friday April 19th, in the BRAND NEW EXCITING ONE TIME ONLY VENUE of…The Bongo Club!
In the meantime, if you would like to suggest additions to our HUmanifesto [seriously? Are we keeping this? - Ed.], add them to the comments, tweet them to us @RallyandBroad, leave us FB messages, shout them at us in the street….
LET’S DO IT ALL TOGETHER, FOLKS!
[I give up. - Ed.]
Friday March 16 2013
February is a short month! Quick! Quick! Get your Rally & Broad gear on, young snippets! Forward, March thyselves to our Hoose. Featuring the lyrical delightfulness of the pioneers and brigands below:
LACH – The NY Times labels Lach “The mastermind of Antifolk, like a Lower East Side rendezvous of Bob Dylan and Patti Smith.” The Antifolk movement that Lach started in the early eighties has produced such well-known performers as Beck, Regina Spektor, The Moldy Peaches, Hamell on Trial and many more.
And he’s on at Rally & Broad, you lucky, lucky squirrels!
Also….MIRIAM GAMBLE: She won an Eric Gregory Award in 2007, and the Ireland Chair of Poetry Bursary Award in 2010. Her pamphlet, This Man’s Town, was published by tall-lighthouse in 2007. Her first book-length collection, The Squirrels Are Dead, was published by Bloodaxe Books in 2010 and won her a Somerset Maugham Award in 2011.
The entire process of rainfall that is… COLIN MCGUIRE
The weird and wonderful from self-described ‘electro-sexual-muscle-magnet’ BENOFFICIAL!
FISH TO FRY: Fish to Fry is an Edinburgh-based four piece band, creating new original songs from silly to quirky, a bit sentimental and sometimes dark. Lorraine O’Sullivan on vocals, ukulele and ukebanjo captures audiences with her bluesy voice and musical expressiveness. She is supported by accordionist Isi Lohss, cellist Sarah Whiteside and Arran Sheppard on drums.
And…. Introducing! MIKO KOKO
Plus! More fun and games tba throughout the nicht! With your congenial hosts Jenny Lindsay & Rachel McCrum. Get there most brightly, dear hearts! xxx
Rally & Broad presents…The Grudge & Glow!
Saturday 16 February 2013
Featuring the wonders of
… introducing Graeme Hawley
…and featuring Physical Storytelling from Dizzy Godiva and Wicked McElders!